I had the most harrowing nightmare Friday night. I wanted to come out into the living room and write it down immediately but I was petrified to get out of bed. Fortunately, it was a rare night that both children were sleeping in their own beds so I just woke Gill up for reassurance and tried to rationalize myself back to sleep. Two days later in the safety of the afternoon, Im ready to write it down and start working with it.

Gill, the boys and I were all living in a rented duplex of some sort. It had some characteristics of our current home but in the dream we still owned our home but were renting this duplex for some reason. We also all shared the same bedroom, which was like our current master bedroom. The nightmarish part was that we lived next to a huge old 8-plex apartment building that reminded me a great deal of one of the apartments I lived in during the 90s. (Interestingly, the building is now abandoned and I have this secret fantasy of turning it into a shelter for kids who have been kicked out of their homes or abused due to their sexual identity. You know, once I become dirty rich next week…) The apartment building has never once scared me in real life but in the dream, it was widely accepted that the building is haunted. Now friends, I have a legendary fear of all things preternatural. Not only could I not see the Blair Witch Project? But I could not sleep for three days after my friend told me about it even though the hoax factor was already well known. (one day Ill blog about the blair crse project). Yet in the dream, I was creating all types of rationalizations for why it was going to be ok to live there. I even had a plan to get kind lively folks to move in and fill it up so it wouldn’t be so scary. And different very old true friends were coming to me and telling me that no that should not happen, because it was dangerously haunted. The most shocking part of the dream was when my friend, T came to me and said “Crse, nobody can live in there because the haunting is violent and extremely dangerous. In fact, I am terrified for you and your family because you live next door.” T is a mathematician and Ive never heard her talk of ghosts or anything scary at all. Coming from her, the warning had added power.

At that point, I begged gill to move us back home but for some reason, we absolutely could not do it. (This puzzles me in the dream as Ive always said in real life that nothing could keep me in a place I was afraid or miserable). The last part of the dream I was in bed and the boys were asleep at the foot of the mattress, snuggling my legs. I remember thinking, we are safe as long as we stay away. I just have to get them out of here before they are old enough to go exploring over there.

It sounds way less terrifying on paper. But Ive been struggling with what it means. Ive been wondering a bit if it relates to events on Friday. Two significant points about Friday: 1. My pay-check was not directly deposited which is really really bad. 2. Several conversations throughout the day that related to this quote:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”- Marianne Wilson.

This is one of my all-time favorite quotes. In particular, “shrinking so others don’t feel insecure around you” was a key to explaining why none of should do that even though those who feel competitive with us or otherwise threatened by our individual gifts will try to make us do so.

I don’t know how these events might relate to the dream but I do know I woke up thinking of the quote and how the dream warnings came from my oldest, most loyal friends. Is that significant? I don’t know…i know the comments are off but if anyone has any insight into this, would you mind emailing me? I would be eternally grateful.


No pressure or anything. Thanks for reading though!


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